Arthur Davidson in HeavenArthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is this; you can hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?” God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.”
“Hmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God. “Hold on.” God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours….”!Received via email – author – unknown.
Washing The Dog
A young boy was at the grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh? What was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle!” Received via email – author – unknown.
“Life’s Reflections”
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too”.
Received via email – author – unknown.
Smart Dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. “PC, do your stuff.” PC trotted over to a desktop PC, grabbed the mouse in his mouth and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Tax Break, do your stuff.” Tax Break went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said “Measure, o your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. Without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said “What can your dog do?” The government worker called to his dog and said coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the computer keyboard, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.
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