CJ

Arthur Davidson in HeavenArthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is this; you can hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?” God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.”

“Hmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God. “Hold on.” God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours….”!Received via email – author – unknown.

via Jokes and Other Fun Stuff.

Washing The Dog
A young boy was at the grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.  The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the  boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh?  What was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle!”
Received via email – author – unknown.

“Life’s Reflections”

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too”.

Received via email – author – unknown.

Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. “PC, do your stuff.” PC trotted over to a desktop PC, grabbed the mouse in his mouth and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Tax Break, do your stuff.” Tax Break went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said “Measure, o your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. Without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said “What can your dog do?” The government worker called to his dog and said coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the computer keyboard, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Received via email – author – unknown.

This Makes Sense to Me.

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets see now…No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No hooters, No pork BBQ, No hot-dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.

Rags for clothes, towels for hats. Constant whining from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors. 24-hour wailing from a guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas, and you can’t shave. Your wife can’t shave, you can’t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses, and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else, she smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition – - and you can’t guess why.

Then some schmuck tells you if you blow yourself up things all get better.

No mystery here!.

Received via email – author – unknown.

---

Secrets to Making a Marriage Last

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker Then she said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!”. So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember…. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”…. I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? ‘Cause they want to’.

Received via email – author – unknown.

---

The New Harley

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents’ house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father says “Okay dammit, I’ll do the dishes!”

Received via email – author – unknown.

---

Information to Ponder

Counter Steering:
If you push the left bar, the bike goes left.
If you push the right bar, the bike goes right.
That is, unless you keep pushing the right bar all the way, then you will probably go left while the bike swaps ends.

Crashing:
Remember riding isn’t inherently dangerous…crashing is.

The Sidelines:
It’s always better to be on the sidelines wishing you were on the track than on the track wishing you were on the sidelines.

Fuel:
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

The Rear Wheel:
The rear wheel is just a big fan used to keep the rider cool and his butt relaxed. If in doubt… watch. When it locks up or slides out you can actually see the rider start sweating and pucker marks are left on the seat.

Too Slow:
No one has ever hit something too slow.

Rides:
A ‘good’ ride is one you can walk away from.
A ‘great’ ride is one you can walk away from and use the bike again.

Getting Hit:
They can’t hit you if you’re not there.

Mistakes:
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Traction:
When traction is sparse, the probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of lean. Large angle of lean, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Your Brain:
Never let a motorcycle take you somewhere your brain didn’t go five seconds earlier.

Fog:
Stay out of fog. The single red taillight you think is another rider ahead that you can catch, might be the red starboard light of a docked boat.

Parking:
Always try to keep the number of times you park the bike equal to the number of times you’ve ridden it.

Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

Mirrors:
If all you can see in your mirrors is the direction you were previously traveling intermingled with sparks, and all you can hear is commotion from the passenger riding pillion; things are not at all as they should be.

Other Objects:
In the ongoing battle between objects made of metal, rubber and plastic going dozens of miles per hour, and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Same holds for cars, trucks, walls and most animals. Draws don’t count.

Judgment:
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

Going Forward:
It’s always a good idea to keep the headlight end going forward as much as possible.

Looking:
Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

Laws:
Remember, gravity and centrifugal force are not just good  ideas. They’re laws not subject to repeal.
Received via email – author – unknown.

---

<A href=”http://www.motorcycleadvertising.com/cgi-bin/advertpro/blink.pl?region=193&bust=734273″ target=”_top”><IMG src=”http://www.motorcycleadvertising.com/cgi-bin/advertpro/bimg.pl?region=193&bust=734273&keyword=NULL” border=”0″ width=”468″ height=”80″ alt=”Check out our Classified Advertisements!”></A>

Too Drunk?
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.  A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream  reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the  drunk is screaming about.
“What’s all the screaming about in there?  You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,  something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,  ”You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!!”
Received via email – author – unknown.

---

Terrorists

WARSAW (AP)–
In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Polish terrorists have hijacked a Goodyear Blimp. So far, they have bounced off of five buildings in Detroit.

Share on Facebook